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<H2 ALIGN="CENTER">Sunny's Disposition</H2>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">&copy; 1998
<A HREF="mailto:JohnGBowen@email.msn.com">John Bowen</A></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">What parent, let alone adoptive parent, has not
tried to imagine how their children will describe their childhood when they
become adults. Recently, I got the opportunity to glance into the future. The
future I saw might or might not be my daughter&#146;s, but it is an indication
of what possibly lies ahead for some FCC kids.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">Sunny is a 23 year old freshman student at
Simon Fraser University. She is a foreign student recently arrived from Norway.
She was born in Korea, abandoned as an infant, then adopted by a kind, stable
couple who provided her with a good loving home and a sound education. Sunny
loves her parents and acknowledges that they did all they could for her, but
still she says, &#147;&#133;if I had a choice, I would choose to stay in the
orphanage in Korea. And that is also why I would have chosen never to be born
(be aborted), if this was the alternative&#133;.&#148;</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">Our FCC web-site is what led Sunny to find me.
Since then, she and I have exchanged long and frank e-mail and we have met
twice. On the more recent occasion, Sunny met a small group of FCC families at
a Vancouver restaurant for a broad and intense discussion about being adopted,
being an Asian child of Caucasian parents and growing up in a &#147;white
society&#148;.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">To this dinner gathering, Sunny brought another
adult Korean adoptee from Seattle, who she met by e-mail too. His name is Joe.
Joe was born in Korea some seven or eight years before Sunny and was adopted by
a relatively prosperous Iowa couple. Like Sunny&#146;s, his parents and his
world, growing up, was essentially Caucasian. Joe spoke of difficulties in his
youth, mostly race related, but in general said he was positive about his life
and said he would adopt a child from Korea himself.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">What follows is an account of these
penetrating, sometimes emotional exchanges. Rather than follow the sequence of
e-mail messages and face-to face meetings, the narrative here attempts to
capture the questions and issues as presented and report the corresponding
reactions, independent of when, where and how they occurred (but without losing
essential context). Direct quotes have all been verified with those who made
them.</FONT></P>
<H3>About Being an Adoptee</H3>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><B>Sunny: </B><I>&#147;I didn't have an easy
childhood. I always felt alone, that no one understood, and I felt like a
stranger, not really belonging anywhere. I didn't realize back then how much of
it was caused by the fact that I was adopted, but today I clearly see the
links. My parents loved me a lot, and I loved them. But still they could never
understand what it was like, because they weren't in my situation. I often felt
like a bad person because I wasn't as happy as everyone told me to be. I wish
I'd had someone there, older than me, who could let me know that it was OK not
to be happy, that I had a right to have my own feelings.</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>I have gone through all the different stages
of identity search, fear and anger. For a period, in my late teens, I had
extreme personal problems. By now I have pretty much found out who I am and
what I want to do with my life, and I find it very inspiring to talk to other
adoptees and a-parents, hearing their stories, to find out that I wasn't the
only one. Even though being adopted has been my biggest pain in life, the topic
I have cried most tears for, it has also lead me to fantastic people who have
become my closest friends, I have had so much fun joining events and gatherings
with other adoptees. So I want to use my experiences to contribute to the
adoptive community.&#148;</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">When asked about his childhood, Joe said it was
a mixed experience. His parents were respected in the rural Iowa community in
which he grew up. They were successful and had high hopes for Joe and he did
not let them down. Joe excelled at school and in sports. But Joe&#146;s parents
failed to understand the feelings he had and the suffering he experienced as
one of the few Asians in a not always racially tolerant community. His
father&#146;s bigoted references to Blacks and Mexicans bothered him a great
deal, despite his father&#146;s assurances that &#147;you are different
Joe&#148;.</FONT></P>
<H3>About Becoming Aware of and Interested in One&#146;s Origins</H3>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><B>Editor: </B><I>&#147;I wonder when I might
expect my daughter (if ever) to become genuinely interested in her origins.
Compared to other children I know who were adopted in China, my daughter is
relatively uncurious about her origins. I am not sure whether it means that she
is sublimating it, or afraid of weakening her bond with us, or whether it is
just because she is a typical kid who loves soccer, baseball, friends and just
being a kid too much to bother with such musings.&#148;</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><B>Sunny: </B><I>&#147;This is quite common
actually. My best friend from Norway (who is also from Korea) didn't care about
her origin until she, by coincidence, went to Holt summer school, at age 28.
There she got really interested in the topic, and she is now the president of
the Korean adoptee-group in Norway. Quite interesting, since she earlier had NO
interest of Korea at all, she was insulted if people talked to her about her
origin and wouldn't be reminded of it. </I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>I have also heard similar stories from other
Korean adoptees, many find roots to become important when they have children of
their own, or when they move away from home and is about to settle on their
own.</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>I have always had an interest in Korea, but
I've also been very anti-Korean in periods. I didn't realize how much of my
life is actually shaped from the fact that I am a Korean adoptee, until I grew
up. That's why I at this point find it unthinkable to move back to Norway and
live (and maybe raise my own kids) in such a white country. </I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>I am still amazed about all the Asians I see
here in Vancouver, on the street, on campus, all over! And that's the reason
why I decided to come here in the first place - to find out who I really am,
not only the Norwegian part which is well developed, but also the Korean part
which until now has been nothing but a dark spot inside me. I hope to be able
to say I'm Korean one day, and be proud of it. Right now I have no real
references to what it means to be Korean.&#148;</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">Sunny has been very active in adoptee affairs
and sees helping other adoptive families as a way of working through some of
her own difficulties. Joe has only made contact with other Korean adoptees
quite recently. When asked about his motivation for getting involved with other
Korean adoptees, he said jokingly, &#147;it is a way to meet girls&#148;.
Later, Joe explained that his hope was to get to know Korean-American women who
understood his background.</FONT></P>
<H3>Feelings Towards One&#146;s Birth Mother and Related Issues</H3>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><B>Editor: </B><I>&#147;One thing I wonder
about is how best to treat the issue of my daughter&#146;s abandonment and her
birth mother. I would if possible, like to soften the sense of loss and to
avoid any anger on her part directed towards her birth mother. Some FCC's have
a day a year to honour birth parents. It is an idea, but unless it is properly
done I think it may seem insincere and plain dumb.&#148;</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><B>Sunny: </B><I>&#147;Many adoptees find it
hard to accept the fact that their birth mother gave them up, being sent abroad
etc. I have struggled with feelings like that for a long time, and I hear
similar stories from other adoptees quite often.</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>I have never heard about this &quot;honor
the birth mother day&quot; before, so it's an interesting idea. I don't really
know what advice you about this matter, because, unfortunately, my birth
mother, has been among the most difficult topics regarding my own adoption to
handle. I have wanted to understand her situation and hoping that she did it
for my best, but it's really hard to believe. It's like my head knows it, but
my feelings don't. So there have been times I've hated her, and still it's a
difficult theme. I don't know if I ever can forgive her, even though she might
not have had a real choice. </I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>I was always told the story about poverty,
unwed mothers not being accepted in Korea etc. But it never really gave me any
answers, because I didn't know if that was my case. Since the chances of
finding out the reason(s), I guess this question will haunt me for the rest of
my life. I guess, when your daughter gets older, you should give her as much
information as possible about the conditions in China, the one child policy,
that boys are considered to be more worth than girls etc. I guess information
is the only way she can ever &quot;understand&quot; this society, because if
she looks at it with western eyes, there is absolutely NO SENSE in it. What I
have done, is pretty much to accept that I don't understand Korean mentality,
so I can never understand why my mother choose to give up her own baby. But
since she comes from a culture so different from mine, I can't judge her from
Western standards.&#148;</I></FONT></P>
<H3>On International and Interracial Adoption</H3>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><B>Editor: </B><I>&#147;One area where we might
disagree is over the fundamental wisdom of inter-ethnic adoptions. You have
only hinted at your view on this, but I could well understand if you have
difficulty with the very idea. </I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>I troubled with the idea myself for a long
time before deciding to adopt our daughter. I wanted to be sure I wasn&#146;t
creating a hell on earth for a child. In the end, I decided that if I am true
to my life-long belief that the really important differences between people are
between individuals, rather than between groups of people, it makes no sense to
make race the primary qualification.</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>However, I am not blindly idealistic. I grew
up in South Africa when Apartheid was at its most pernicious and in Los Angeles
during race riots. I know that a parent's idealism cannot shield a child
against a cruel or even an obtuse social environment. But I also know that
unless you dare to be idealistic, within reasonable bounds, you will be damned
to live out your most cynical expectations.&#148;</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><B>Sunny: </B><I>&#147;Yes, based on my
experiences from being raised by people of another race and coming from an
almost all white country, I question a lot of the policy. Even though I love my
parents and they love me, there is no doubt that race has been a very important
issue, and it has caused problems. </I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>If you feel comfortable with the choices you
make, that's what you should do. I have my own ideologies which I work for and
promote. They are correct for me, here and now. I don't expect them to be
correct for everyone else. They have to make up a choice for their own life. I
have found a path which I can live with and accept, and I try to live within
the frames of that one.&#148;</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">I asked Joe if he shared Sunny&#146;s view
about international and interracial adoption and whether her view was
representative of the common view among adult Korean adoptees in the United
States. Joe said he did not feel as strongly about it as Sunny did and in
general, he was in favour of Americans adopting Korean children who need homes.
He said that he thought that about a third of Korean adoptees in the Unites
States are strongly con, as Sunny is, another third are strongly pro and the
remainder are mildly pro as he is.</FONT> </P>
<H3>Possible Lessons for FCC Parents</H3>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">On the Sunday after our dinner with Sunny and
Joe, the feelings they expressed kept coming to mind. I found it hard to think
about much else. Will my exuberant daughter who loves life and loves us so much
one day declare that she has been unhappy and lonely all along? Will she wish
she had been left in the orphanage in China&#133;or worse, never born? The
answer, of course, is who knows - any more than any parent can know how their
children are going to regard their childhood in retrospect. And if Sunny is
correct, there is very little that parents can do to change things one way or
the other. It is a bit like the dilemma in which Calvin left his followers (You
do not know if you are saved or damned and you can&#146;t do anything about it
anyway. You can only seek divine signs, such as in good works, of your
redemption)<I>.</I></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">Oh! but I cannot fully agree. I concede that we
are to some extent all born different, that some of us turn out happy no matter
what we encounter in life and others (most of us) are less fortunate. And of
course, the environment we find ourselves in and our peers can shape us in
different ways. But I do think that parents can influence the destiny of their
children and it is their responsibility to exercise every bit of that influence
to try to ensure the happiness of their children. Once we parents come to terms
with the fact that we are only one part of our children&#146;s lives, we can
focus on employing what influence we have over it, to their best advantage. Our
role is not so much to shape and mould as to nudge and facilitate. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">The sorts of lessons we can learn or have
confirmed from Sunny&#146;s and Joe&#146;s experiences are as follows:</FONT> 
</P>
<UL>
<LI><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"> We can&#146;t assume because a child is
outwardly happy that adoption related issues do not or will not trouble
her/him; </FONT></LI>
<LI><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"> Love is a powerful weapon against
unhappiness, but it is not enough; </FONT></LI>
</UL>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">&middot; Creating and maintaining connections
with other children adopted in China and their families is an essential
investment in our children&#146;s&#146; future happiness. Sunny was impressed
with the fact that FCC families see each other regularly and wished that her
family had done likewise;</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">&middot; FCC children need to take the lead in
addressing adoption, abandonment and related issues. And parents should be
ready to help out as called for. Pushing or avoiding these issues is not
productive;</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">&middot; Chinese children, especially those
with two non-Chinese parents, must be given as much positive exposure as
possible to Chinese culture. In Vancouver this is an easy matter, but should
not be taken for granted. Even in places where Chinese culture is not as
evident in daily life, it is possible to bring it in. It is important that
Chinese children see Chinese adults in all roles and spheres of life to avoid
the impression that to be Chinese is to be one thing in life and not
another;</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">&middot; The adoptive family should, in effect,
adopt and thereby validate Chinese culture into its daily life. It is an easy
and pleasant transition for any family to make. Small gestures and habits
incorporated into daily life in a natural and unforced manner has the effect of
unifying the family in a subtle but important way;</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">&middot; Recognize that at some point all our
kids are going to have to come to terms with their abandonment, with identity
issues and more. If we can at least make the cultural and racial questions
pass&eacute; we will be in a stronger position to help our angels deal with
their demons when then come a-knocking.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">&middot; Listen to our kids. Really listen. At
dinner, a parent asked Joe what, if he had the power to change his childhood,
would he have had happen differently. He said he wished his parents had
listened to him and tried harder to understand how he really felt, instead of
dismissing his hurt and sending him in the direction of conventional
solutions.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">The differences between Sunny and Joe were, in
a way, encouraging. They shared similar origins and encountered similar
problems in childhood. Their feelings and reactions to their origins and
childhood hurts were very different. No doubt much of these differences can be
ascribed to differences between Iowa and Norway, between men and women, between
peers, siblings and parents and of course Joe and Sunny themselves. But
standing back and looking at both of them, I could not help thinking that I
would have been proud to have been the dad of either of these thoughtful young
adults. &#144;</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1" COLOR="#FF0000"><B>Editor&#146;s note:</B> The
opinions in the foregoing article and in the other two in this issue dealing
with Korean adoption and orphanage experience are those of the writers or
discussants. They are not necessarily representative of the views of all adult
Korean adoptees or even a small group of them. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">To find out more about the diversity of
perspectives available from adult Korean adoptees, check out some of the
several sites dedicated to exchanging views and experiences between them. Here
are a few I have visited. </FONT></P>
<UL>
<LI><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">
<A HREF="http://www.medill.nwu.edu/people/chappell/kor.am.adoptees.html" TARGET="_top">http://www.medill.nwu.edu/people/chappell/kor.am.adoptees.html</A>
</FONT></LI>
<LI><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">
<A HREF="http://www.helping.com/family/pa/kfaf/adoptee.htm " TARGET="_top">http://www.helping.com/family/pa/kfaf/adoptee.htm </A></FONT> 
</LI>
<LI><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><A HREF="http://www.adoptee.com" TARGET="_top"> http://www.adoptee.com</A> </FONT></LI>
</UL>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">You can also read an article that appeared in
FCC New England&#146;s newsletter written by Patricia Gorman entitled,
&#147;The Korean Adoption Experience: A Look into Our Future?&#148; on the
<A HREF="http://www.fwcc.org/" TARGET="_top">main FCC website.</A> </FONT></P>
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<FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-2"><B>Last Updated: January 5th, 1999 </B></FONT> 
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